That's how I've felt. It's been a tough 3 years. I've been wandering in the desert. I've been wondering WHEN I'm gonna come out of this fog? It's been dry. It's been lonely. I've been in a drought. I needed refreshing. I'm far from depressed...I'm just dry. Something has robbed me of my joy....and if you know me....that's just not me. I've tried to put my finger on it, but I can't find the reason. Except perhaps having my creative life cut off for 3 years.
I don't know.
I left this desert place for 8 days and came back feeling like I have new energy in my spirit. Like I've been given a transfusion. Life again. New blood.
Of course the kids were sick and I returned sick as a dog....AGAIN!
I flew up but drove back...sick. All 1400 miles.
Our mom who is 85, has been living temporarily (winter months) with our sister and her family in CA, made the tough decision to sell her home of 40 years in Maryland. It was a painful decision. One born out of the acknowledgment that she can never live alone again. It wasn't necessarily a decision that was really voluntary....it was forced by life's circumstances....which as you age just sucks. Getting old isn't for sissies.
She parted with everything left behind. I rented a minivan and drove it back to Texas with a few treasured items; alone and sick. She bred into us 3 girls the endurance and strength of Moses. She has never been a quitter. She is a fighter with a leaky heart valve, blood cancer and rheumatoid arthritis. You'd never know it though, because she has NEVER complained 1 day in her life. She has sucked it up and pressed on. I wish I could claim the same....but I do complain, I do get weary and tired....I don't count it a badge of honor to admit defeat but it happens.
I cry out to the The Lord and anyone who will listen. I cried out a lot on this trip back to Texas...of which after our move, I swore I'd never do again....but circumstances required it so.....I pulled up my big girl pants and did it. The Hired Hand couldn't make this trip and it pained him so to put this burden on me....but that's the way life is.
As soon as I got home Hubs insisted he take me to Urgent Care ASAP. So, at 7:15P on Wednesday night we marched into Crockett Texas before I developed walking pneumonia again (had it in June). Having a lifetime chronic lung disease (asthma) causes these infections to go South very quickly...now that I'm a "senior". :( I'd lost my voice Sunday night and spent the entire trip home unable to speak to Hubs on the phone or to myself...or God...except in a whisper. Dad would of given me that quarter!!! I've always been a Chatty Cathy and Dad would promise me a quarter if I could be quiet for 10 minutes.....I'm proud to say, I never got that quarter, but on this trip I'd of gotten rich!!!
Urgent Care did what it does best....they injected me with an antibiotic and I've spent the first 2 nights sleeping 12 hours with the help of NyQuil! After 4 days of near silence I can speak again. That's a good sign!!! :)
The worst of this silence was being "lost" in Lexington VA trying to find the Enterprise Rental because my "maintenance" light came on only 200 miles into my 1400 mile journey. I'm not sure if it was a lack of cell service in the mountains....or the cheap plan my dear man has me on....I always like to rub that in every chance I get. (it's a fine plan living here in Nowhere Texas, but when I have to travel....well, it's a problem) Hubs, a man of VERY few words was trying to give me directions (his longggggg pausing was killing me!!!)....trying to figure out where I was so he'd know which direction to tell me to go....and my lack of being able to speak 1 word....it brought me to tears....I'd scream but....SILENCE! Texting didn't work. Nothing. I was at God's mercies.
After they checked the car and determined it was just the oil change sensor light that wasn't reset....I was sent on my merry way back to playing leap frog with semi's the entire way home.
That was my only "lost" moment. I followed Interstate road signs the entire way back....our son couldn't understand how I could just stick my phone away...and frankly with the cheap plan, what's the point of having it out????.....But it's amazing how road signage still works even in this day of technology!!! I didn't even get "lost" in Birmingham Alabama as I wound my way through a detour off the Interstate into the city. I was and always will be in the hand of God....He was guiding me all the way and I knew it. My friend Merry Mary was holding me in close prayer and speaking Psalm 91 over me for days and days.
I rested in the shadow of the Almighty!
On my way through Chattanooga TN, I stopped on the mountain; Lookout Mountain. I went there in 1977 attending Covenant College as a freshman completely on a scholarship and government grants. I was a baby in Christ. I'd yet learned how to walk, let alone crawl. It was on that mountain that God reached down to this broken child and restored me. I wanted to go back. To see the place where my heart grew. Where I first learned about HIM! Where I learned to crawl.
It's an amazing view...the top of that mountain. As you are winding your way up from the city on a narrow cutback road....at one point....the tree tops open, and the beautiful college (old hotel) that looks more like a castle opens up beholding the glory of God!!! Just amazing!!!
I didn't make anymore stops since it only added to the already long 9-10 hour driving day.
Before I knew it.....
Here I was...home.
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name;
you are mine."
I'm not exactly sure that it came all at once....perhaps it came drip by drip.
Sunday morning I had the absolute honor of being lead into worship of The Most High by our son who plays bass guitar.
I was first struck by how old he looked....oh my, he's 31 and such a big man. I wanted to stand there next to him and say....He's mine!!!!! Such a proud Mama! A moment of realizing all the blood, sweat and tears poured into that boy were not in vain. God does redeem.
I thought about all the years I drove him to guitar lessons. I thought about the beautiful bass guitar he was playing and the day we bought it for him....I only remember he was very sick and we went to get it probably for his birthday, hoping it would lift his spirits. I thought about how God has never forsaken the righteous. I thought about my little grandson whom I pray for daily that he will come to know Jesus at a young and early age. How I held him in one arm on my hip as we praised the Almighty with the other arm! As he sung out as loud as his little lungs allowed in whatever tongue he chose. It blessed my heart beyond measure!!!!!!!! Watching Little Graham worship Jesus. Singing Hallelujah and Amen!
That may of been the moment.....as Ben opened in this beautiful heart felt song....
I Raise A Hallelujah!
I feel ready to make new changes...yes, yet again.
But isn't that what growing is all about?
So, here I sit ready for New Beginnings. Ready to start again.
There was one song that played many times on my trip home. It's called "Nobody" by Casting Crowns.
All about Somebody who saved my soul
Ever since You rescued me, You gave my heart a song to sing
I'm living for the world to see nobody but Jesus
I'm living for the world to see nobody but Jesus
By His Grace Alone,
Learning to walk again